The Journey to Joy
Happiness on hold. Happiness, the journey. Happiness as the way.
Happiness is not something we can feel every moment of the day - we all know that, but it is certainly something we can find a little more of each day and day by day in some way.
My mom loved reading and collecting books - novels, autobiographies, cookbooks, inspirational quote books, book club books, sports books, all of them. They lined her walls in her home office and they brought her such joy.
Most cards she wrote contained a quote…. birthday cards had quotes about love and life, cards sent to me at summer camp or college had quotes she’d find about ‘never giving up’ or ‘finding that spring in our step’…or enjoying the day…. Get well cards had uplifting quotes… (and remember, these were the days before Google and cell phones were a thing) - She’d find these quotes in her books or ‘out and about’ and write them down in her little notebooks in her purse…and she kept files for the clippings of quotes she’d find in magazines or newsletters or the newspaper. And she titled these files “Keepers.”
Keepers. Quotes or stories to keep and to share. Her favorites. These files were like her Instagram before Instagram. And after she passed away, I found more clippings and quotes in more notebooks and sticking out of more books and cookbooks and bags….in drawers and photo albums.
Here is one she clipped out of the Junior League of Boca Raton magazine called The Bridge - it was mailed to members in the summer of 2000. It’s titled: ‘Happiness on Hold.’
“We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have a baby, then another. Then we are frustrated that the kids aren’t old enough and we’ll be more content when they are. After that, we’re frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage. We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, when we are able to go on a nice vacation, or when we retire. The truth is, there’s no better time to be happy than right now. If not now, when? Your life will *always be filled with challenges. It’s best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway. Happiness is the way. So, treasure every moment that you have and treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time with…and remember that *time waits for no one. So, stop waiting until your car or home is paid off, until you get a new car or home, until your kids leave the house, until you go back to school, until you finish school, until you lose 10 lbs., until you get married, until you get a divorce, until you have kids, until you retire, until summer, spring, winter, until you die. There is no better time than right now to be happy. Happiness is a journey, not a destination. So work like you don’t need money, love like you’ve never been hurt, and dance like no one’s watching.” - Author Unknown.
With so much swirling in our lives….happy doesn’t always come easy.
Do we have to learn happy? Create happy? Schedule happy?
Sometimes.
Sometimes happiness just happens but often - we must guide it.
Personally, in the last few years I’ve had a handful of those ‘challenges’ - three unexpected whoppers. My mom dying of cancer, Dad dying due to several complications and… divorce. None of those were the plan. Many days and moments – chock full of sadness - but you lean on helpers and support systems and things that lift you up, things that allow you to feel…..and cry and sing…..and be sure to hold on to the awesome moments that surround us too. For me, it was the great joys of being a mom, beautiful moments of my kiddos in preschool and kindergarten, first and second grades. Their sports games and weekend moments. All of it. Supporting charity events, writing, spending time with friends, travel, tennis….some really good stuff mixed in with the sad. In the midst of it all, you’ve got to find happy.
This is why you say…..yes. Yes to moments and experiences that bring joy to your day, week, or life.
Here are some things that make me happy:
My kids. All the things they do (minus the fussing). My friends. My friends' kids. My job. My other work projects. My hometown. Traveling. Taking photos. Writing. Coffee. Good wine. Writing with a cup of coffee or that nice glass of wine. Music. Mountains. Oceans. Lakes. Trails. Walks. Sunrise *and sunsets. Football. Baseball. Tennis. Moments shared with lots of people. Solo moments. Good manners. Kindness. A wave and a ‘read-my-lips thank you’ from someone when I let that pedestrian cross the road in front of my car at the stop sign. Saying yes to a project that moves me…a trip that sounds amazing… a date that sounds exciting…a dessert that looks delicious…..allowing happy in even when it’s a crazy time in your life………..Because life can always be crazy. As the quote I shared earlier said…..Your life will always be filled with challenges. It’s best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway.
Happiness is so hard - and yet - so easy… to find. We learn it’s a choice we can make at any given moment, regardless of our circumstances. For those of us who are parents, caregivers, career professionals or all of the above! - anyone who dedicates so much of their time to other people and projects - which is most of us - especially most of us taking the time to listen to a podcast today titled ‘Happiness on Hold!’ - then we are often putting our happiness on hold. Waiting to finish *this before doing *that. Waiting on something else or *someone else to create happiness for you… or *fix things for you.
I’ve gathered some thoughts and tips from experts - ones I like and hopefully their words will help you as they have helped and continue to help me…
Oprah Winfrey simply says “The path to happiness is rarely a straight line, but there are so many opportunities for wisdom along the way.”
Marie Kondo - the well known Japanese cleaning consultant - promotes the KonMarie Method and the life changing magic of tidying up - cleaning and organizing your home at once rather than little by little or room by room and how putting your house in order positively affects all other aspects of your life, including work and family. She says that a dramatic reorganization of the home causes correspondingly dramatic changes in lifestyle and perspective and is life transforming. She says her clients always sound so happy and the results show that tidying has changed their way of thinking and their approach to life and has changed their future. Why? Because, Kondo writes.. When you put your house in order, you put your affairs and your past in order, too.. And you can see quite clearly what you need in life and what you don’t and what you should and shouldn't do.
When it comes to happiness and parenting…. Clinical psychologist and parenting coach - Dr Laura Markham - says “connection” is the secret to happy parenting. Our children need to know that we take joy in them and that deep connection makes peaceful parenting possible. And when you need to take a beat….those boiling point moments?.... Markham says to take five…help your body discharge the anger…..change your thoughts so you can change your feelings….wait before disciplining…..and choose your battles.
Finding happiness after loss….well, this one is tough. As mentioned, I’ve lost my parents… divorce means you lose a marriage and all of those thoughts you had about life and how it would be for you and your children….and it’s all hard. And so many have it harder. But you *can have hope and happiness and joy amid suffering and sorrow. Focus on the small joys, life’s positives….share personal stories…..keep those you’ve lost present - honor those you've lost in all sorts of ways….allow time to take care of yourself……(again very hard for those parenting and caregiving for others, but so good to make that time)....seek meaning, celebrate progress and work hard to foster connection. Regarding divorce - a few specific things helped me: my best friends, lean on them. My therapist. Find a good one. Podcasts and books on tape all in that healing space. Allow all of the feelings…co-parent the *very best you can….try to keep the divorce proceedings civil…. Create time and space for self-care, new routines,mix up and update your living space to make it yours full of things that make you smile….and keep on.
In The Practice - a book by Peaceful Mind Peaceful Life’s Barb Schmidt, Barb starts her preface with an Abraham Lincoln quote…..”People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Barb explains that our minds are at the root of our unhappiness…. And that if we can train our minds, we can be happy. When we know that deep happiness comes from within, we can better manage the daily stresses in our lives….. The daily big ones and little ones. Peaceful Mind Peaceful Life offers practices and workshops to help get you there.
And then there are podcasts. One I really enjoy is the Mel Robbins podcast. Check out the following two……- one that dropped recently titled “How to Figure out what you really want” and the “Let Them Theory.” Those two episodes are full of good theories that can help improve relationships and help you find happiness amidst certain challenges and relational situations. I’m a fan.
Brene Brown says “Joy is vulnerable - that’s why we’re afraid to let ourselves feel it. Don’t squander joyful moments by waiting for the other shoe to drop. Lean in and practice gratitude.”
All tend to agree that to find your happy, it helps to do the following things….practicing gratitude and mindfulness, setting realistic goals, meditation, working out, being physically active in some way, journaling, connecting, helping others, acts of kindness, finding work-life balance….. We can’t do it all at once. But we can find it here and there and work on the mind….those positive thoughts with a little help from others and from what we decide to do with our days.
Overall I’m happy but there are certain moments in the day when you stop and wonder - what in the world? Why me? Why now? One example is taking three kiddos to school in the morning - the morning rush - the commute to work - the stressful moments on the job - a challenging store clerk - or client - or travel hiccup. So many things that can slow us down emotionally…..
The Harvard Gazzette featured an article this summer on “How Leaders Find Happiness - and Teach it” — It emphasizes that true happiness comes from internal factors and personal growth and meaningful relationships rather than external achievements.
And how to find happiness? – leaders who are aware of their own values, strengths, and weaknesses tend to be happier. And no surprise…. Practices like mindfulness, Focusing on what they’re grateful for, modeling positive behaviors and creating environments that promote well-being, finding purpose and satisfaction in their work…. All contribute to happiness.
I’m a fan of finding this in different ways. I have to mix it up. One day it’s a walk. Another day its yoga, tennis, an afternoon with best friends, a trip to somewhere fun, a cup of coffee - maybe two - creating, writing, sharing. I love to share my stories, my photos, my life in many ways - not all ways - but many ways. Some have slowed me down. Told me to stop. Don’t do this, don’t do that. Not anymore. Not now.
You know, there is also something called “fashion psychology”....when we dress with confidence it will help to feed our joy. As I mentioned in my mom’s eulogy, she once told me how when my brother and I were little she used to dress us in the brightest of colors on cloudy days (yellows and oranges and reds – her favorites)....just to brighten up *other people's days. When I became an adult, I noticed she always did….dress in bright colors - her favorites - so often. As she was battling that cancer…. one day… I remember my Dad leaving to run some errands one day and as he was walking out the door, she told him - as *she was not feeling good – "Keep smiling." He replied, "Tough today" and she said "Oh no, *especially today you smile!"
Remember we are not talking about a distant destination here but a journey you can embark on right now……
Happiness, the journey.
Happiness as.. the way.
I’m in. Let’s go!