State of the date
Love, dating and relationships unplugged with America’s #1 dating enthusiast, Brian Howie
Paige Kornblue and Brian Howie at podcast production hub, Podpopuli, in Boca Raton, FL
Let’s take a moment, my friends, to look at love and the state of the date.
Whether you have been married for 30 years or you haven’t had a date in three years, America’s #1 dating enthusiast - Brian Howie - has some advice for you in this edition of Today’s Paige.
Howie is no therapist. He’s just a regular guy who has heard our stories via his hugely popular traveling show and podcast “The Great Love Debate.” These are the stories of the highlights and lowlights, the challenges and joy of thousands of men and women around the world going through the same ‘ol stuff when it comes to relationships and partnerships.. or lack thereof.
Howie shares the secrets to finding love in 60 seconds, whether men are (still) from Mars and women are (still) from Venus and how best to navigate through conversation, communication, confidence, vulnerability and differences when it comes to partnerships and the dating world!
My love and passion for telling stories is how I met Howie, owner of Podpopuli, a full-service podcasting production hub where my Today’s Paige, the Podcast episodes are recorded weekly. And that’s how I got to talking to him… and I quickly discovered that Brian Howie had a lot more than podcasting advice to share with all of us. If you have a question or two about love, listen to our conversation here or read below…
Paige Kornblue: Your main podcast is called The Great Love Debate.
Brian Howie: Yes, it is. The Great Love Debate started as and still is a live touring town hall style comedy show about love, dating and relationships in every city. We have been to 128 cities around the world. We've been to 11 countries, and what this show does live is it attempts to get to the crux of the dating disconnect. In every city we go to, every show is different. Every crowd is different. We got the podcast out of that because we wanted to find more ways to continue the conversation. I think love, dating and relationships is all a conversation and the more ways we can have that conversation, the more ways we can break down the walls and communicate better and and increase confidence and most importantly, know that you're not the only one who feels this way. Whether you've been married for 30 years or you haven't had a date in three years. there are challenges that come along with being in a partnership or a relationship, and the show tries to break down those walls.
Paige: In light of all the things we have all been through lately, where would you say it all stands today, whether you are talking about dating or marriage or relationships?
Brian: The current state of the date? This has been the most challenging time, probably in recent memory, in I'll say the last 10 years. There were five things that have happened over the last 10 years that were significant when it comes to the relationship landscape. First, and probably most importantly, and to their credit, the women have ramped up their independence, the ‘I don't need a man.’ There is a short of shifting of the traditional gender roles when it comes to dating and it has led to a lot of confusion among mostly the men and most don't know how traditional they should be on dating. A lot of men are like, should I even hold the door? Because a lot of women, especially the younger women, are like, ‘I'm not weak, I can hold my own door.’ There's a lot of confusion there. So the shifting of the traditional gender roles has led to some hesitancy in dating. Then you add in technology. Dating apps, websites — all that has has gotten heavily involved in dating. We used to have to go up and say hello to you. Now it seems unnatural to say hello to you. People need that sort of barrier — the website, the app, the Facebook page — to make that initial contact and when you've taken that away from people, it's challenging. People should be able to talk to each other face-to-face.
Brian: The third thing that that has happened recently, over the last six years is you need to know where somebody stands on Donald Trump before the edamame comes. Like, before the appetizer. Either way, is so crazy. You used to be able to be married to somebody for five or six years and have really no idea how they even voted. It didn't come up. It is right there now in every conversation where somebody stands with Donald Trump. Politically, it is so in the forefront and I thought it was going to get better over the last couple of years. It's not better. If people put it on their profiles, it is a real issue. Another thing that happened in the last five years was the ‘Me Too movement.’ A lot of women, and rightfully so, were validated in…. this is an experience that I went through and a lot of people went through and men need to have sort of a wake up call on all this.
Brian: A lot of men were like, I have no idea what I can do anymore. I can't date in the office anymore. I can't compliment anybody more. A lot of people just dropped out. A lot of people said ‘I need to take a time-out and play video games and watch Netflix and never come back.’ So there's been a real shift in all of this. Everywhere we go around the world, these are conversations that need to be taking place now that we wouldn't even thought about 15 years ago. Normally it was like, ‘Well, what kind of drink should you buy her?’ ‘Can I pick you up on a date? It used to be… I would meet somebody at two o'clock in the morning. You had a pen and a napkin. You wrote a number down, you had to pick her up. Now it's unfathomable to pick somebody up. I don't know why. I think women watch too many Dateline and Lifetime movies… it has taken away a little bit of the chivalry. It's taken a little bit of the ‘I'm going to take care of you and go out and pay for all of these things.’ It’s been great for the show.
Paige: Sure, with lots of opinions…
Brian: But it's a different landscape. So somebody who's been married for 20 years and is now coming out to date again, it's a different planet than when they got married in 1994.
Paige: Do you find it black and white? I’d say there's a balance. Let's keep some of that chivalry, keep some of that tradition. But there's also the newness to strength (for women). Are you finding it's one of the other?
Brian: The women want the men to try harder and the men want the women to make it easier. That is the crux of the disconnect everywhere. To take it a step further, the women look for red flags and the men look for green lights, so this sort of standoff is where we are at. I do believe the men who are dating now are more curious. They are more introspective. They are doing the work. They are trying to understand her more. They are trying to step up. But all we know is what the last girl liked to do. We probably found that out too late so it's a challenge. The men need to do better. The women need to understand that for a long, long time - to use a basketball metaphor, we were essentially shooting at a 10-foot basket to get into your world. Now we're shooting at a 12-foot basket. It's a little harder because you need us less. Guys, you got to get better at shooting at a 12-foot basket and the women, they need to understand that it's a 12-foot basket. It is a little bit more challenging and each side needs to sort of take a step back towards each other.
Paige: Monitor those expectations. The whole ‘Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.’ What are your thoughts on that one?
Brian: Oh, that's funny. I had John Gray, the author of that book on my podcast and he says, ‘It's not that anymore.’ I was expecting him to say ‘It's still relevant. It's every bit the same.’ He says it is different in a lot of ways. We have to recognize how different and we have to adapt. There was probably a time when some woman was like, ‘Can you believe that guy called me?’ And that was offensive versus going and knocking on the door. Now it's like a man might reach out and ask you out even by texting or messaging. It’s almost like a business meeting now. Some people want to be called. Some people don't want any part of a phone call. Some people haven't talked on a phone call in months, and it's like the way our penmanship is not as good as it used to be because we don't write as well as we used to. Phone is a little bit like that, too. We're a little bit rusty.
Paige: So beautiful, yet harmful, right… these phones?
Brian: Yeah, I know. We obviously need to get our head out of our apps and start to notice those around us again. There are opportunities every single day of your life to meet somebody, connect with somebody and find that. We walk around with these blinders on with our heads and our phones, and we don't pay attention to that. We're like… I'll deal with the dating when I get home. The best dating site is earth, and you have to look around at these opportunities that exist everywhere.
Paige: I would love your thoughts on on marriage and and relationships that are constant. You were the author of the book called How to Find Love in 60 Seconds. I want to know how you do it… what’s the answer to that?
Brian: So there are opportunities. I lived in Los Angeles for a long, long time and I saw a lot of really wonderful women who either were not taking charge of their own dating fate or not liking the ability that they could take charge. It's almost like they had a power. Either they didn't know how to use it or didn't want to use it and so in How to Find Love in 60 Seconds… it’s not just a quickie. It's basically understanding that there are these moments, these 60 second forks in the road every single day where you can recognize an opportunity, act on it and not dismiss it, where there's a chance for these connections to be made every single day. There are like five or six of these opportunities every day, every single day of your life if you're out of your house. People are like.. I can meet more people online. No, you can't. Unless you're getting carpal tunnel syndrome, swiping like a mad person. Every time you leave your house in the course of a day, there’s a thousand people you come across and so if you said, well, if I got to talk to every one of these thousand people for 60 seconds…. how many could I actually make a connection with?
Brian: We don't stop and have these conversations. We don't engage. We have this sort of fear-based culture. We’ve lost the ability to small talk, and I'm as introverted as anybody, trust me, but just the ability to recognize that if I could just talk to this person for 60 seconds, could that connection happen? And so I wrote that book.
Paige: I love what you said about earth and the app ‘earth’ because no matter your spirituality, we should allow the universe to guide us through our day and you never know what opportunities come out of the blue. Right?
Brian: I agree. And that's the good thing that came out of the last 18 months or so. There was a point in 2018-2019 where a lot of people were like ‘You know what? I would be happier with my dog and my wine and my yoga and my Netflix and I don't want a date anymore. I don't want it.' People got to actually try that out in real time for for pretty much 18 months where people were not dating and they were not around and I think people missed it. I think that's the good thing as we come back out of it (the covid-19 pandemic). Hopefully in a lot of areas, people are really happy to be around each other again. They're really happy to share space and have conversations and do that. Out of the the storms come the bright, sunny skies. Sometimes I think that has happened. Our shows that we have done since pandemic time have been more hopeful and positive and fun, and the energy is great and people were really excited again and I think we had lost a lot of that two years ago. It's good.
Paige: So much of your work surrounds dating and single life. Let’s talk about the the marriages on your show. What are some of the common questions that folks who are married have for you and for the panelists?
Brian: I'm not married and I have not been married. I can't believe how many husbands play that much PlayStation or are allowed to. I can't believe how often that comes up as a problem in marriages that video games are that big a problem.
Paige: I've got young kids, so that's my problem with the kids…
Brian: I assumed it was a problem with the kids and the women are like, ‘Well, the kids do it because he does it. It's still bad communication, lack of confidence that happens in a marriage. A lot, especially on the men's side, he’s lost the ability to either understand her to make her happy, to know what she wants and for her… frustration. He has gotten lazy in trying to find out. A lot of times people look at the marriage as too much of a destination when it should be the beginning of the next chapter. Then the second challenge of that is you just go from husband and wife to mom and dad… and that's not the same dynamic that you started with. It's a different skill set. It's a different set of issues and problems and and barriers and fights and you don't necessarily know how to work through them. The best thing about our show is a lot of people or couples come thinking they're the only ones who feel a certain way and there's a real camaraderie and comfort in knowing that everybody feels this way. Everybody's going through it. It's not easy for anybody, and especially in a social media world where everybody's putting the picture perfect life out there. We're not doing therapy here. The therapy comes from the energy of these crowds commonly sharing experiences that people are like… that’s us. That's me. We can we can figure this out.
Paige: We are all in this together….
Brian: We're all in this together… just the very act of bringing that many people together and raising the questions. It goes so far, especially on the men's side. I’m harder on the men than on the women. The women got a little harder. The men have gotten a little softer, but there is some nuance to that. I think more men are going to therapy, which I think is a good thing. She wants to know that either you are doing the work or you are open to doing the work. If a wife has to drag a husband to marriage counseling and he doesn't want to go, it's not going to work or vice versa, it's not going to work. You have to go to these things together. You have to go there with the common goal, even if you're coming at it from different sides and there's ways to work things out. Most relationships break down when they've lost the ability to communicate.
Paige: Talk about confidence a little bit. I'm sure these shows build confidence for some men and women and for you. I guess we're still in such a a crazy time in all of our lives with the pandemic. I feel like we’re all in this together and we're all kind of building that again, whether it's career or relationships and you probably see a lot of that today, more so than ever.
Brian: I think there is a sense of camaraderie. I ask crowds this all the time, I say… ‘If I could give you a road map… a map to have a happy, loving, trusting, honest, sharing, growing relationship with just one other person, would you sign up for that?’ And a lot of them either don't believe the roadmap…. they don't trust it or they don't believe that it exists. But if you gave it to them and they could trust it, they absolutely want that. I think everybody does want that. Ultimately, I think people do want to be in a positive relationship with one other person for 50, 60 years. I think I still believe in that. I think the ‘happily ever after’ is possible.
Photo taken outside Literati Bookstore, Ann Arbor, Michigan